It’s commencement speech season, so naturally, I think about what would I have wanted someone to tell me about happiness when I graduated. And this is what I came up with…hope it gives anyone a little happy food for thought.

Congratulations graduates. Enjoy this time of celebration because it really is a once in a lifetime moment that will go into your happy memory vault.

I suspect these are two things about happiness that you’ve already discovered:

We think being happy is easy. Logic says, “We want something, we get it, and then we’re happy”. But happiness is more complicated than that because it’s not linear. Happiness is Harder to Find Than You Think.

At this moment most of you have a Need to be Happy List that includes: career goals, ideal mate, places to visit, stuff to buy and do, you know, we all have a list. It’s long after my graduation and I still a have list. These lists are our goals. They may change as we change, but we need lists because they help us stay focused. The only danger is when we put all of our happiness stock in them.

You’ll find that as you start marking things off the list, they may or may not make you as happy as you thought they would. You’ll most likely have an initial euphoric high when you’re feeling on top of the world. But when reality sets in, you’ll be left to co-exist with the chaos attached to the victory. No matter the career, there’s chaos: bosses, co-workers, customers, office politics, and time management. Yes, it’s one of the skills you learned in school that you’ll use over and over again. Relationships with friends, spouses, kids and family members all require time, work, disagreements, compromise, forgiveness and patience. The more we love someone the more vested we are in their lives and their happiness. All the stuff you want requires money. So most of you will have to work lots and lots of hours to pay for your stuff. When you buy a house, there’s maintenance. When you plan a wedding there’s negotiation. When you go on a trip there’s planning. When you start a family you won’t recognize your life. Everything on your list will have a price tag connected to time, money, and emotions. Make sure your happiness expectations are in line with the price you’re willing to pay for your Need to be Happy List.

Chaos is a part of life. It doesn’t matter how well you plan your life you’ll have unexpected things happen. Some happy, some unhappy. You’ll win and lose battles at work; you’ll have your heart broken, you’ll break hearts; and bad things will happen~people will lose jobs, not have enough money, be treated unfairly, have bad relationships, get sick and some will even die. Most of you have already had some of these experiences. They are part of life. It doesn’t matter how old you are, who you are, what you have, or what you do. No one escapes unexpected chaos.

While this chaos makes moments of your life unhappy, these moments are life’s classroom. Hardships and heartaches develop character. You can let these moments define you as an unhappy, cynical and angry victim. Or you can let these moments serve as a catalyst for you to become more empathetic, more compassionate, and more spiritual. God will never give you more than you can handle, but God will give you enough to challenge your soul to grow. There’s no escaping pain, annoyance, and anger. The irony is that unhappiness usually teaches us to appreciate happiness. While you can’t escape all chaos, you chose what you learn from it.

And don’t be surprised when you wake up one day in a happiness state of confusion. You’ll wonder why you’re not happier. You’ll wonder what you did wrong. Especially, if you did everything on that Happy To Do List. After you’re depressed, angry and beyond frustrated, you’ll most likely come full circle to your childhood and realize it’s the little things that really do make you happy instead of those goals you were so fixated on. This is a normal phase in most people’s happiness journey. Don’t be alarmed.

Now for the second truth about happiness: Happiness Happens. Happiness isn’t always obvious. Many times it shows up right smack in the middle of chaos. In fact, I suspect, a year from now one of your happiest memories will be around one of your chaotic school projects. The late nights, the pizza, and the getting it done moment. If you really pay attention, you will experience more happy moments than you can count in even unlikely places. Don’t take one of these rare moments for granted.

You only get each moment of your life once. You’ll never get to repeat the same day, the same experience, the same moment ever again. So embrace and cherish each moment that makes you smile.

If you want to maximize your happiness happen moments consider adding these things to your Need to Be Happy List:

Fall in love. Really loving someone with all your heart and soul—a lover, a child, even a pet, more than you can imagine is simply the best.

Life isn’t fair. Don’t expect it to be and it’s much easier when you experience the unfair end of the stick. And remember sometimes you’ll be blessed with luck (that may be when life is unfair to someone else).

Laugh—especially at yourself. Dance in your kitchen even if the song is only playing in your head. Sing in the shower. Fun makes happily co-exist with chaos easier.

Stuff doesn’t make you happy, experiences do. Travel. Share your toys with friends and family. Learn to cook one thing well so you can have a dinner parties. Volunteer. Have hobbies. Experiences are happiness~even when they are mixed with a side of chaos.

Be a good family member so your family will be good to you. Be a good friend so you can have good friends. Family and friends make the happy happier and the chaos bearable.

Keep learning. Ask questions. Read. It’s OK to change your mind. In fact, you should change your mind as you become wiser by the school of life.

When you’re unhappy, help someone. It doesn’t have to be big or formal. Take a co-worker a soda. Pick up a neighbors newspaper. Call someone who’s having a tough day. Helping others is the quickest happy pick-you-up.

Embrace change. It’s going to happen whether you like it or not, so anticipate change as an adventure. You’ll like some, and you’ll dislike some. But remember, like it or not, more change will be on the way.

Be willing to fail. As long as you’re willing to take chances, and learn new things then you’re growing. As long as you’re growing, your living and happiness is in your midst.

Keep your day in perspective. Most of the things that annoy you on any given day are things you probably won’t remember in a week, a month or a year. Many happy moments are lost when we hang onto things that are merely annoyances instead of life defining moments of chaos. When you’re annoyed, always ask if you’ll remember the incident next week. If not, then it’s simply a blimp on the chaos radar.

Pray. It doesn’t matter if your religious or not, you’ll be a lot happier if you talk to that unseen being most refer to as God. It’s your one true source of confidentially other than your dog or cat.

Be grateful. Even in the midst of the most extreme chaos, find at least one thing to be grateful for. It keeps life in perspective.

We do most of what we do to be happy. But if you remember that Happiness Is Harder To Find than You Think, because it really isn’t always attached to what we think we need to be happy; and that Happiness Happens in the most unlikely places, your life will be full of more happy moments than you ever thought possible.