When Happiness Becomes A Trap
On Saturday, I was reminded of something I already know. Every now and then everyone needs a reminder: Expectations lead to unhappiness.
I’m part of a group, TWINC (Traveling Women in Need of Cocktails), that meets up every month. We do anything from going to restaurants to sports events to wine tastings. Saturday we were going to Del Frisco’s, a very nice restaurant, for Restaurant Week. I always have fun at our events, and this one is one of my favorites – this was our third year going to Del Frisco’s.
However, this Saturday I wasn’t feeling well. I was considering skipping dinner, because I was more than a little cranky. I was snappy. I thought that if I went, I wouldn’t have fun, and that my cranky mood might ruin the fun for my friends. But I really wanted to go, and even had a new outfit. I decided to suck it up and go. My plan was to leave early if I found myself getting snappy, because I didn’t want to rain on anyone’s parade.
After getting dressed and doing my hair and make-up, I did start feeling a bit better. Seeing my friends diminished my crankiness, even though I still wasn’t feeling my best. It’s true that happiness can be contagious – and the VIP Martini probably helped, too 🙂
After an evening of chatting, laughing and smiling, I ended up leaving at 11 pm with the group. I was surprised I had such a good time, and don’t think I snapped at anyone beyond my normal wit.
Expectations, Happiness, Surprises
This is one of those times that my expectation of being cranky didn’t happen. I had a better time than I expected, which was a happy surprise. A recent study confirmed that a Pleasant Surprise Beats the Sure Thing. The only way we can be pleasantly surprised is to get rid of our expectations.
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On a side note, I’m not saying that we can’t or shouldn’t expect others to treat us with respect. In this case I’m referring to our expectations of how something we are planning to do will make us feel. We also can’t expect other people to make us happy – that’s not their job, and we can’t make others happy, either.
Sometimes our expectations get skewed because we try to recreate a past happy experience. We only live any moment once, so no two experiences are ever going to be the same.
For example, if we went to a new restaurant and had a great experience, we can’t repeat that exact experience even at the same restaurant. The next time we go it might just be an OK experience. There are many tiny things that make up a restaurant experience – our mood, the people we’re with, the food, and the wait person to name a few. All of these things will never be the exact same each time we go somewhere. If they were, wouldn’t it be boring or monotonous like the movie Groundhog Day? But when we try something for the first time we may have a hope of happiness, but not an expectation of it. When our expectations are low, we’re not trapped by them, so the door to being surprised is wide open.
If you want more happiness, lower your expectations. Try to be childlike, and approach each moment for the wondrous one of a kind moment it is. Remember, you only experience each moment once. The fewer expectations we have, the more surprises we’ll also have, which will increase our happiness.
When was the last time you were pleasantly surprised?
Written by Pamela Gail
Pamela Gail Johnson founded the Society of Happy People in 1998.
The Society is grounded on Pamela’s four key Practical Happiness Principles:
Pamela identified 31 Types of Happiness that are on the SOHP App Happiness Counter to make it easier to recognize moments of happiness.
Pamela also plans and organizes the Society of Happy People's annual happiness celebrations:
She's also a speaker, trainer, and author.
A few of her personal smile starters include her monthly book club, yoga, traveling and meeting new happy people.
Oh so right!
Expecting to have a good time is different from being open to having a good time. What we expect we may feel obliged to force; what we are open to receiving may or may not appear but that’s okay because we’re not expecting anything in particular.
Sometimes going back and trying to recreate a feeling can be helpful in identifying what created that original wonderful feeling. This is a good thing to learn, as then we may be able to create a new version of it. If a new version is not possible (or more effort than we’re willing to invest), we can let it go and perhaps enjoy the memory now and then.
The opposite happened to my friend just this past Friday. She is a new pre-school special ed teacher who is very excited about her job, classroom and kids. Last week was orientation for new teachers and Friday was the first day she went to her school, saw her classroom and met the person who share her classroom part of the day, a woman who has been with the program for a number of years. She had such high expectations that she was absolutely devastated when the other teacher did not match her enthusiasm or welcome her with open arms. She took the weekend to re-group and went back on Monday thinking “OK, I don’t expect anything from her. We don’t have to be friends, she doesn’t have to help me. We just have to share a room part time.” So she was pleasantly surprised when the woman offered her a few civil words of advice. It is totally all about your expectations!