We had two emails that requested information dealing with grief so I’m including both there:
It’s been a particularly hard year due to the sudden and unexpected loss of two younger brothers. What do you do when sadness takes up residence in your heart?
Barb
Barb,
First, I’m sorry for your losses. Particularly tough is putting it mildly. Unfortunately, there’s not a fast track to healing from grief and when you get hit with such close losses of close family members it has to feel unbearable. Grief is an enigma because our brain says we should move through it much quicker than our heart allows. Meaning one minute you might feel fine and the next you’ll want to cry for no apparent reason.
This is one of those situational depressions that you may need to discuss options with your doctor.
Without question grief support groups will help even though you won’t want to go. After all it doesn’t sound appealing to talk to strangers feeling as bad as you do. However, ironically, this is one of those times the similar experience of others will provide an outlet that allows you to feel less alone. Grief is lonely by nature because even if you have other family members willing to discuss their grief, everyone’s loss is experienced different because everyone had a different relationship with the dearly departed. I’m sure your grief for each brother is similar but strangely unique. You’ll miss each one in different ways.
Finally, as the numbness lessons, and you cry your tears, you’ll start to notice some moments, however few, that aren’t consumed by the loss. Then those moments may actually have a few happy moments intertwined. It may be spiritual happiness that helped you get through a tough time, you may laugh at something, possibly a memory of your brothers, or you might find something amusing that your pet or a child did. Eventually some of these happy moments will start filling your heart if you allow them too. The important part is to actually be in the moment and let yourself be sad if you need to and let yourself relish the happy moments when they happen.
Heartfelt regards,
Pamela Gail
Our office has had numerous employees that have had family members who’ve passed away recently. How do we bring the smiles back without going over the top out of respect for their situation?
Nicolle
Nicolle
One of the things I love most about happy people is that we want to respect others. Having said that remember that people in the throes of grief desperately want to feel normal again. So if you had a happy people office you need to have a happy people office that does whatever you do to make it happy.
If half the people in the office recently lost someone they may not be up for a themed dress up day, but instead have a wear your favorite T-shirt day. Just make the happiness a little more mellow. Also recognize those grieving may not be as perky or may need to be excused from the happy celebration. But for some of the employees the happiness will actually help them feel better … it’ll be one of their normal moments.
Keep me posted about what you do and what response you get.
Regards,
Pamela Gail
If you’d like to have me answer your questions from a Happiness Meets Reality perspective
either reply to this email or visit Ask Pamela Gail: Where Happiness Meets Realityto send your questions.
Written by Pamela Gail
Pamela Gail Johnson founded the Society of Happy People in 1998.
The Society is grounded on Pamela’s four key Practical Happiness Principles:
Pamela identified 31 Types of Happiness that are on the SOHP App Happiness Counter to make it easier to recognize moments of happiness.
Pamela also plans and organizes the Society of Happy People's annual happiness celebrations:
She's also a speaker, trainer, and author.
A few of her personal smile starters include her monthly book club, yoga, traveling and meeting new happy people.
Your suggestion of a grief support group was excellent. Although we didn’t want to go and certainly weren’t going to actually TALK, my daughter and I went to a grief support group (GriefShare). Simply listening for the first few sessions really helped us understand that there are others who are also grieving and it’s helpful to help others along with ourselves. After 13 weeks, we were talking and feeling better and also had a few new friends! It’s only been 6 months since I lost my son, but my Happiness is back. I got a little help in GriefShare from Jesus, too.
Teresa thanks for sharing your experience about a difficult time.
People do need to feel normal again after grief! Thanks for reminding me how to handle being with those that have had a great loss in their life!
Thanks for the comment … I love that happy people are so sensitive.
Sensitively handled, Pamela. Great job! I think it’s also important to acknowledge people’s grief; too many folks step around it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. I don’t think you need to make a spectacle of yourself in expressing sympathy, but to be genuine in your interactions will help the grieving person. At least that’s what I think…
Jackie, I agree, since grief is painful we don’t like to acknowledge it and it makes it hard for the griever to heal.
Great post on grieving. I lost my aunt last year and my Dad early 2013. Timely and I am sharing! Bless you for all you do!
Anita, I’m so sorry you are going through the grief roller coaster. You’re in my prayers.
Exactly! We do all grieve differently and in our own time. Great post!
Niki … it’s true grief happens at it’s own pace. Thanks for the comment.
Great advice Pamela Gail! Your insights and suggestions were filled with compassion and purpose. I especially liked the T-shirt idea as a group pick me up after grief and the comment ‘Just make the happiness a little more mellow’. Very nice indeed.
Dawn thanks for the comment … I think it’s important to respect grief but not a the expense of finding normal.
Sometimes we simply have to give ourselves permission to be happy…I remember after my mother’s passing I struggled with being able to enjoy parts of my life again that had been put on hold during her last months of life. It felt as if I had ‘moved on’ from losing her if I laughed or for even an instant found humor or joy. And then one day my daughter (2nd grade at the time) said, ‘Mommy you don’t laugh anymore and you and Grandma used to laugh all the time together…why won’t you laugh with me like that?’ I knew then that I was more than my mother’s daughter and that she of all people would want me to share love and laughter and joy with my daughter as she had done with me. I gave myself permission to be happy again. Excellent article! Thanks for sharing your insights!
Denny thanks for sharing your story. Although every relationship is unique, if we’re healthy, no one relationship solely defines us. In this case you were also the roots for your daughter and you realized it was OK to be happy for and with her despite your grieving.
Grief is definitely a hard emotion and everyone deals with it differently. We need to understand that those that left us don’t want us to suffer and not smile again. I truly believe we need to give ourselves permission to be happy and that is done by changing what we decide to think about.
Good article Pamela. I believe support groups can be a big help when going through grief. Speaking from experience when my 40-year old brother was killed in a tragic accident, it was indeed a support group that allowed me to express my feelings the most in an environment where I knew I would be understood and feel compassion. I know that people never mean to be insensitive to those who are grieving, but it’s sometimes tough to know what to say or do; I’m still struggling to be there for a friend who’s 25 year old daughter was murdered a few weeks ago — a senseless act that never should have happened. Her grief brings back memories of loss for me; I want to help her but I’m at a loss right now due to the circumstances of the death. Appreciate you bringing this to light — it’s so important to acknowledge what others are going through.
Some really great tips on how to handle grief, Pamela. So tough and my heart goes out to those impacted by losing loved ones.
I have lost very few people thus far in my life…but I have still known grief and yes, normalcy is deeply desired in that process. great tips to get there!
This is great information that is very helpful to those who are suffering right now from grief.
Great advice Pamela. It is not easy but we have to get going after a loss. It’s a great reminder that grief doesn’t have to be suppressed, but can be respected with a positive heart and mind.