My blood pressure recently jumped up a bit when I saw another online story headlining something about the “secret to happiness”. When I see these headlines I have to resist the urge to comment, “There isn’t a secret to happiness.”
It’s true that the science of happiness has come a long way since the Society started in 1998. When the Society was founded the positive psychology movement was still in its research phases and the self-help culture from books, to talk radio, to TV shows, to traditional support groups focused more on what was wrong than what was right. Science had not started studying or publishing the results of everything that’s known to increase our happiness including relationships, pets, exercise, and gratitude just to name a few amongst the hundreds if not thousands of science meets happiness studies we’ve done to figure out what makes us happy or happier.
But happiness regardless of the science is still an individual experience.
For example, I don’t like to sweat. So even though running is scientifically proven to boost my happy endorphins, the truth is that it’s a sweaty exercise and that doesn’t make me happy. I may be satisfied which is a type of happiness because I did something good for my health, but any happy gain is minimized because I’m annoyed that I stink, have to take an extra shower, and feel gross. Now for someone else, sweaty exercise is exhilarating. It’s a happy moment that they look forward to participating in. Therefore sweaty exercise equals happiness. The point is that our happiness is individual even when there’s science behind it.
The reason I don’t believe in “a secret to happiness” is that it implies if you do something right you’ll be happy and if you’re not happy it’s because you’re doing something wrong. Happiness is both simplistic and complicated. We crave and seek happiness. Happiness fills a hunger of the soul but can be as elusive as a rainbow’s end. Happiness happens in the midst of unhappy experiences and unhappiness happens in the midst of happy experiences. To prove my point, there’s rarely a funeral without smiles and laughter, and there’s rarely a wedding without moments of drama sprinkled with chaos.
Many of our happiest moments are not recognized when we experience them. Instead they are remembered in hindsight or in moments of nostalgia. If you’re looking for happiness, fully live in the moment and recognize happiness when it happens. We just created the Happiness Counter to get you started.
Don’t get me wrong, I love that the science of happiness confirms so many things that not-so-secretly happy people have always suspected about living a happy life. A couple of my favorite books about happiness and science are 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People by David Niven, Ph.D. and The Myths of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D.
But if you’re still looking for a secret to happiness look in the mirror. You are the secret to your happiness. Your happiness starts and ends with you, but here are three things to do every day that will enhance your happiness:
- Notice your happy moments.
- Do more of what makes you happy.
- Learn from your experiences that make you unhappy.
Happy counting because happiness happens ~ you just need to notice it.
[Tweet “Still looking for the secret to #happiness? Take a look in the mirror! It’s right there!”]
Written by Pamela Gail
Pamela Gail Johnson founded the Society of Happy People in 1998.
The Society is grounded on Pamela’s four key Practical Happiness Principles:
Pamela identified 31 Types of Happiness that are on the SOHP App Happiness Counter to make it easier to recognize moments of happiness.
Pamela also plans and organizes the Society of Happy People's annual happiness celebrations:
She's also a speaker, trainer, and author.
A few of her personal smile starters include her monthly book club, yoga, traveling and meeting new happy people.
YES! Happiness is very personal. There is no formula other than “notice your happy moments and enjoy them!”
I was so glad to read that someone else shares my experience with exercise: it makes me sweaty and annoyed and physically tired, but for me there’s no satisfaction or any other kind of happiness in it. I do enjoy some physical activities that leave me sweaty and physically tired and even in pain, but as I gently ease myself into a hot bath to ease the pain, I feel good inside.
Happiness is a living thing that grows when we nurture it. There is no “one size fits all”; there is a huge variety so that everyone can have some of their own kind of happiness.
the secret to my happiness is my happiness – hopefully bringing happiness to others, too
I’ve learned that happiness is deep inside. You can’t “make” anyone happy, and likewise, no one else can make you happy but yourself. For me that means to stay open and receptive to everyone I meet, even those that are negative. I don’t walk away from anyone or anything. This new “no contact” or remove the negative from your life craze makes me sick. It’s not realistic to walk away from your issues, be they things or people. If someone is causing you grief, look inside yourself first and ask why is this bothering me? Then when I meet someone who is negative or promotes chaos, I want to know why. This person is in pain someplace and what can I do to help. It doesn’t have to be MY help, but let me point you in the direction perhaps. I never give up on anyone. Now, if that person has harmed my family in some illegal way – say abuse – then the law has to step in, or if there are drugs or alcohol involved, they need specialized care. I would not put myself or family in harm’s way for someone else…but still find a way to help that person somehow, even if they refuse the help, the offer was there.
Always look at the glass as half full!
The secret to happiness is to be happy. It’s a choice!
I don’t know if there’s a “secret” to happiness. Your happiness is determined by you. It comes from the things you like to do, the people you choose to communicate or mingle with, whether you have a good relationship with God, and how you live your life. If you choose negativity, then you’re going to be a negative person and who wants to feel that way all the time! Really! I guess there are those who thrive on unhappiness, but it always depresses me, which usually leads to a physical problem! If I find myself talking to a person who is always negative or in a negative situation, I remove myself. I know negativity brings me down.
Happiness is an attitude. You can choose it or not. I have long believed that we choose to be happy, but accepting that it is an attitude is fairly new to me. And it has made my life so much less stressful….and happier. Love it.
Excellent point that happiness is personal.
A different book I enjoyed is Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert