Why Happiness Is Harder Than It Looks (And Still Worth It After 25 Years)

Why Happiness Is Harder Than It Looks (And Still Worth It After 25 Years)

When I started the Secret Society of Happy People in 1998, I couldn’t have imagined how deeply that journey would shape me—or the direction of my life.

Our original purpose was simple: to get people talking more about their happy moments, with the same enthusiasm they used to talk about the things that zapped their happiness. Our first motto was: Are You Happier Than You Admit You Are?

“Admit” was the key word. I wanted people to take ownership of their happiness. To share what made them feel good—and be met with encouragement, not skepticism or cynicism. There’s nothing worse than someone raining on your parade when you’re feeling good. It makes us second-guess our happiness—and that’s the opposite of how happiness should feel.

Over the years, we’ve found many ways to encourage happy conversations, including creating the first happiness holidays: Happiness Happens Day, followed by Happiness Happens Month.

And just like that—25 years have passed.

Now feels like the perfect time to reflect and share 30 things I’ve learned about happiness while becoming, somewhat unintentionally, a happiness philosopher.

It’s easy to say happiness is a choice — or to remind people to count their blessings. However, the truth is that, depending on what’s happening in our lives or the world, happiness can often feel elusive.

We can’t fake our way into feeling good, and yet, feeling good matters. The alternative is being stuck in a cycle of unpleasant emotions, and that doesn’t benefit us, the people around us, or the greater good.

 That’s why putting in the effort to live a life as happy as possible is so important — especially during challenging times.

Some of these insights may resonate with you. Others may not. But I hope they inspire you to reflect on your own experiences—and maybe even create your own list to celebrate the 25th Happiness Happens Month.

And if any of mine feel true to you, you’re welcome to borrow them.

Happiness happens when we feel good

We may be happy for no reason, like when we feel peaceful or content—or as a result of an experience, like when we feel love or achieve success. The important thing is to notice these times and treasure them.

Our cultural perception of happiness has changed in 25 years

In 1998, people focused on self-help, self-awareness, self-improvement, and our connection to others. Today, we focus on blame, fear, instant gratification, and the notion that people who are different from us are inherently wrong.

Happiness is part of mental health

Happiness is often considered a byproduct of managing mental or emotional health challenges. However, we also need to be mindful about creating, recognizing, and experiencing happiness.

Instant gratification is often confused with happiness

Our ability to click a button for instant answers or same-day delivery has conditioned us to expect everything—including happiness—to happen instantly. However, ongoing happiness often takes effort, intention, and patience.

Happiness is Personal

Practical Happiness Principle One reminds us that being happier begins by understanding what makes us happy—and this can differ from what makes others happy.

Our personal happiness may differ from our cultural happiness

We can be personally happy while feeling culturally concerned or disheartened. While we can influence big issues, we must also accept that we cannot control every outcome.

Happy people know they can’t make others happy

They understand happiness is personal – and not something they can give to someone else, no matter how much they care.

Joy has hijacked the word happiness

In recent years, ‘joy’ has hijacked the word ‘happiness’ – implying that only high-vibration, over-the-top feelings count. While joyful is one of the Society’s 31 Types of Happiness, 30 others show the many shades of happiness.

Happy people understand that words matter

They do not need to gossip or speak poorly about others—because they understand those words can boomerang back on them.

Science usually confirms what we already know about our happiness

While science confirms that certain behaviors can boost happiness, they may not be effective for everyone. For example, robust exercise releases happy chemicals—but if we dislike the activity, it may not bring us happiness.

Happiness Zappers are Manageable

Practical Happiness Principle Two reminds us that we all experience things that challenge our happiness. We have to manage them–or they manage us.

It is our responsibility to manage the experiences that zap our happiness

Sometimes we need to focus our energy on changing what we can–both personally and culturally. This may include setting boundaries with people and situations that zap our happiness.

Happy people are unhappy sometimes

They choose to manage their Happiness Zappers instead of simply reacting to them. Everyone faces challenges—whether related to health, emotions, finances, or relationships—and how we respond directly impacts our happiness.

Avoid Getting Too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)

HALT is a simple reminder from the 12-Step community: when your basic needs aren’t met, you’re more likely to react from stress or need, than with intention. Managing these low-energy states helps you make happier, healthier choices.

Happiness may be contagious, but fear spreads faster

Studies show that both happiness and fear are contagious; however, fear spreads more quickly because it is part of our emotional survival DNA, dating back to the days of the caveman.

We let annoyances that we will forget in a month steal our happiness in the moment

Annoyances are fleeting, yet we often give them the power to ruin the present.

Quick happiness boosters really do work

Moving your body, listening to feel-good music, enjoying pleasant scents, helping someone, practicing deep breathing, and expressing gratitude can all help shift your mood quickly.

Happiness Changes as We Change

Practical Happiness Principle Three reminds us that change is part of life. When it happens, we need to embrace our present happy moments instead of trying to recreate the past.

Social media has become the daily version of the happy holiday newsletter

The Society gained its first public notoriety when Ann Landers’ advice column in over 4,000 newspapers suggested that people should not share happy holiday newsletters because they made other people feel bad. Now, our social media posts have replaced the annual holiday newsletter with daily, curated highlights from others, leading to comparison and even competition. Comparative happiness, based on curated social media highlights, subtly undermines our real happiness.

Technology has replaced too many of our human connections      

While technology can make certain aspects of life easier, it cannot replace genuine relationships—the kind that help us feel connected, valued, and loved. We live in a loneliness epidemic, in part because we invest more energy in online interactions than in meaningful people connections.

Other people’s actions are rarely about you

It’s easy to take things personally—but most of the time, people’s behavior reflects their struggles, not anything you did. Letting go protects your happiness.

Forgiving ourselves and others

Forgiveness creates space to find present happiness by letting go of past regrets and resentments.

Happiness is Bigger Than We Think

Practical Happiness Principle Four explains how the 31 Types of Happiness is an emotional energy with many vibrational levels.

Happy people are compassionate

We never truly know what someone else is going through, so judgment rarely serves us. Compassion allows us to show kindness.

Happiness sometimes happens when we do the right thing instead of the easy one

Sometimes happiness is the reward for doing what’s hard—like telling the truth, eating healthy, or exercising to improve our health.

People connections count

Our real-life relationships are a major source of happiness and should be appreciated— not taken for granted.

Happy people build others up

Giving, Kind, and Helpful are part of the Society’s 31 Types of Happiness—because when we do these acts, we make two or more people happy.

Just because we can say something doesn’t mean we should

Basic etiquette can increase our happiness. After all, engaging in every situation or conflict is a choice–not a requirement.

Happiness can build bridges

Shared happy experiences can create bonds with others—even when we have differences. The same can be said of common difficult experiences.

Happiness can be simple—or complicated

Sometimes we feel happy for no reason. At other times, we have to look for it–or even make it happen.

Authentically happy people celebrate when others are happy

They don’t rain on other people’s parades.

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