Dear Pamela Gail,

Like many other women out there, I’ve discovered my mother-in-law-hates me! Naively, I thought that she and I were getting along great and that I was doing the right thing by lending an ear when she gossiped about others. I did find it strange that these “horrible” people I heard about turned out to be wonderful when I met then in real life, but I didn’t put two and two together. I then found out she had been talking and lying about me behind my back for years! I think it is a cry for attention, but her words ruined my reputation with the entire extended family and maybe even throughout their entire town. I am the type of person who wants everyone to like me, so this is especially hurtful and unfair. Is there a way to be happy about the person I know I am that isn’t dependent on what others think of me?

Independent Happiness Seeker

Hello Independent Happiness Seeker:

Thanks for your email and sharing your happiness challenge. You’re actually challenged by many things and, yes, I think you can be happy, so let’s dissect the challenges.

• The best mother-in-law relationships are always a challenge. It’s doubtful that your mother-in-law hates you. I suspect she doesn’t like herself very much so she has a need to tear others down in an effort to make her feel she is better than someone else. Good catch on saying she does it for attention – that means that you’re practicing compassion, a happiness habit.

• Whenever you’re with someone who makes a habit of gossiping, you can expect they will gossip about you too. It’s their happiness-getter. We all fall prey to gossiping from time to time – and, to be clear, gossip is when you’re speculating about someone else’s life or passing on rumors or half truths to ramp up the speculation. But when it’s a form of entertainment, it really means we’re bored with our own life and probably need to get busy doing things so we don’t have an interest in gossip. Sounds like she needs a new hobby.

• If her habit is gossiping, unless the extended family is just blind to this, they know they should take her comments with a grain of salt – and probably do. They most likely have also been on the receiving end of the gossip themselves. At some point your reputation is about how your act towards others, not what others say about you. Remember your comment that people your mother-in-law gossiped about were wonderful, not horrible. I’m confident at least some of the family feels that way about you. Assume they like you better than you think and your relationships will readjust. You can’t make everyone like you, but you can continue to be you in the relationship, and they’ll either see how wonderful you are or not. If they don’t it’s their loss.

•  Finally, for the bigger picture. If someone doesn’t like themselves they can’t like others, so don’t set yourself up for unhappiness by expecting everyone to like you. Winning a popularity contest on a daily basis would be an unrealistic happiness goal.

I suggest a more meaningful way to look at happiness each day than who likes or doesn’t like you. Before you go to bed at night, look into the mirror and ask yourself, “Did I do something today to make the world a better place for someone else?” If the answer is yes, you had a happy day. It doesn’t have to be Mother-Teresa-life-changing. It can be as simple as helping a stranger or friend, being a good spouse or mother, or practicing compassion when someone’s actions or comments would otherwise hurt your feelings. By not letting others impact your inner happiness, you’ll be happy a lot more because happiness is really about how you feel, not what others think.

Sending with love, kindness and happiness,

Pamela Gail

Written by Pamela Gail

Pamela Gail Johnson founded the Society of Happy People in 1998.
The Society is grounded on Pamela’s four key Practical Happiness Principles:

• Happiness Zappers Can be Managed
• Happiness is Personal
• Happiness Changes as You Change
• Happiness is Bigger Than You Think

Pamela identified 31 Types of Happiness that are on the SOHP App Happiness Counter to make it easier to recognize moments of happiness.

Pamela also plans and organizes the Society of Happy People's annual happiness celebrations:

• Happiness Happens Day - August 8
• Happiness Happens Month - August
• Hunt for Happiness Week - January

She's also a speaker, trainer, and author.

A few of her personal smile starters include her monthly book club, yoga, traveling and meeting new happy people.